Oh I wish things were simpler for me.
I wished things were simpler for me.
Everything.
I wished I had put in my all in everything that I do.
I didn't.
I wished procrastination and distraction does not exist in my realm.
I let them rule almost half of my life.
I hated people who let their emotions get the better of them.
I'm now just like them.
Yesterday's training made me think pretty a lot. I think I was the only one. And you would say, "Why bother thinking so much ?". If it wasn't for Tarmidzie, I wouldn't have. Zhang Jia did a total of 210+ pull ups on his own and it was exceedingly good. I was struggling at my 7th set of 10. My canoe president seems to be giving a hint repeatedly on those weaker ones. I somehow get myself to feel affected. I know my level of competence. It isn't enough. I haven't been putting my soul into training. I have this credible mindset that I must divide my energy equally so that it would be enough to last for other exercises. But apparently, the advices repeatedly coming towards me is to PUSH harder no matter the aches. Thats the way to improve. But I would gladly do it if push ups weren't killers. I got 'reprimanded' by Jerald for not doing proper push up. I admit my fault but really, my chest could stretch only as far as that during the push up. Why would I not want to do it properly when I could. I wished I could progress faster. I wished my stamina would improve more than my physique improves. I do want to hail through tough trainings. But I hope I will still be given a chance to be better. I don't like to be looked upon like something. If I were better and have juniors, I swear I would treat them way better. I'm not lousy.
Social issues. Hafi just said a few days back while on the way home, that it's not possible for us malays to be captain as it would be hard for us to converse since theres more chinese speaking. And I got a little fired up in my heart. Wtf ? You're letting that to be your setback ? What's Tarmidzie then ? I'm not saying I want to become one but its the mindset. I remained cool. I personally hated Arif's answer of we should learn chinese (to fucking accommodate the rest?). Yes that is the way but wait a minute, just for the sake of conversing ? Will learning chinese make things better ? I am already struggling on my own here wif my chinese class. Trying to tell me they all can't speak english ? Why can't english be a fixed command language ?It wouldn't kill right ? Just how goddamn hard can it be to converse in english so EVERYBODY could understand. Looking at the way things work, I feel like I'm becoming an anthropologist. "Left out". I feel less motivated too in trainings especially to go for sprints. Really goddamn ridiculous.
I don't understand why am I 'all-smiles' in school when I'm thinking of a solution to improving myself in everything especially studies. I keep thinking and worrying. Sometimes friends are advantages and sometimes disadvantages. Some things are best kept to yourself. First of all, I know it myself that I'm not dumb. If I am, I wouldn't be in DASE. It's my minimal effort that's dragging me down. Why why why. Words can be hurtful. I want to catch up - like really. I really am looking forward to a day where I can focus on my schoolwork wholeheartedly. I'm like enduring this alone.
I never said this to anyone before but I really do feel that the things bothering me are evidently affecting my emotions. I really have limits. I simply get fired up with things like sore losers and proud asses. Little things made by other people like that also makes me turn red. It's worse for me at home. All I ever look forward to at home is peace and time to myself. I fucking can't stand nags anymore. But why do I let my emotions get the better of me ? This is bad I know. But I have friends who've asked me why I must I be so complacent and nice to everyone ? If you have to be that way then so be it, just know the limitations and dun go overboard.
I just need my a few of my opinions to be ranted.
They shouldn't even be here actually.
oh my goodness.
farked up.
Farhan
